Author: Katy Goshtasbi

I’m tough on myself. Really tough. I’m working on clearing up my stinkin’ thinkin’ around being worthy and deserving. I’ve come to realize that I often have compassion and empathy for others, but I could use having more compassion for myself. Let’s talk about self-compassion, a form of self-healing, and how it drives down our stress, increasing our self-confidence. I find there’s two types of people: those that just give up and stop trying and those who kick into overdrive and push hard. I’ve come to really see that I’m the latter.

The common trait both these types of people share is lack of self-compassion or self-love. If this sound icky and mushy, that’s ok. Keep reading anyway. Maybe it’s just an uncomfortable topic because something about it rings true and you feel the pain. That’s a good thing, too. When I am constantly in overdrive and pushing hard in my personal and business life, I’m worn out. Why? I’m worn out because if I stop to be brutally honest, I’m trying to be in control way too much.

What’s wrong with being in control? Nothing. Except for the part where it wears me out because I’m “doing” too much and not getting the results I want necessarily. You all know what I’m talking about if you are anything like me. Don’t lie to yourself, you overachiever.

I’m an immigrant. Overachiever is my middle name, just like so many other immigrants. After all, I have to earn my keep in this great country of ours! I’ve recently come to the painful and startling reality that I am good enough and don’t have to do so much and push so hard in my life. I’m starting to “get” that what I need is to have more faith that it will all work out if I take my foot off the gas.

How?

Self-compassion is the answer. If I loved myself more and had even a tenth of the amount of compassion I have for my clients and my friends, then it would be a great start. In my third book about self-healing, I discuss that self-compassion is a form of self-healing. I also write about my research around stress and self-confidence. As stress goes up, our self-confidence goes down.

So how do we get our stress down? One way is by having self-compassion. The result is that our self-confidence goes up. In other words, I can’t boost my self-confidence directly. I have to first boost the amount of self-compassion I give myself. How?

Self-Soothing

Because I drive myself so hard, I don’t stop often enough to take really good care of myself. I’m working on self-soothing as a form of this self-compassion and self-healing. Self-soothing for me looks like:

• Talking to myself with more kindness and observing that inner, mean voice that picks on myself. Warning: I’ve discovered this inner voice is often couched as the drill sergeant that is pushing me for my own good and growth. But it isn’t for my own good.  Do you have this drill sergeant, too?

• Doing less. This is a challenge for me. Traditionally I’m not so good at sitting still. My immigrant wants to produce results to be loved. So I practice being self-aware of how much I’m doing on a regular basis. What’s enough? When do I turn off the laptop? Can that email wait? Do I really need to work out at 5:30am or is sleeping in better for me today?

Support

I love Wonder Woman. She’s my idol. To me, she gets it done and manages to have fun and be sexy! However, I’ve come to realize that I can’t, and don’t need to, do everything by myself. I’ve come to see that I thrive when I am and feel supported. It hasn’t been easy, though, my friends.

One time, I injured my left arm and wrist. I found myself unable to lift objects as easily. I had to board an airplane. I couldn’t put my bag into the overhead storage on the plane. I offered to check my bag. The strangest thing happened: the gate agent told me to keep my bag and ask someone on the plane for help putting my bag up. I was secretly horrified. Who would I ask? How would I ask them? Would they reject my request or be mean to me?

Most importantly, I realized the final question was whether or not I felt worthy of receiving help? I finally gave in and asked a gentleman for assistance. It may have been my imagination, but his vibe felt like he was a little put out by my request, but he still complied. The resistance I felt from him could have been all in my head. After all, I was not used to asking for help.  I used to be a work horse.

Most recently, breast cancer slowed me down and made me realize how wonder “present moment slowness” really can be.  I had some serious revelations.

Whatever all this means, I feel good knowing I’m working on self-healing and growing. Increasing self-confidence by having more compassion for myself, reduces my stress. Do I always get it right? No way. I’m a work in progress and that’s a beautiful thing.

What does this mean for you? Stop and consider:

• What do you do these days to love yourself more and be kinder to yourself in order to heal and grow? Again, if this feels dumb or uncomfortable for you, that’s awesome! Be brave and keep looking at it.

• Where could you have more self-compassion for yourself? How would that show up in your life? Specifically:

• How do you self-soothe yourself? Does it feel like enough?

• How often do you ask for support and allow others to support you (whether you pay them or not for this support)?

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As featured at thriveglobal.com: https://thriveglobal.com/stories/why-being-lost-is-so-good-for-you/
 
I was having drinks with a colleague of mine who always makes me think and get creative. I was explaining to him why, as a behavioral expert and researcher, I’m seeing a trend these days with people feeling isolated. This led us to a conversation about being lost. Let’s discuss why being lost is so good for you.
 

Isolated?

More and more clients who are employees tell me that they feel “isolated” at work. Even with all the technology and access to others around the globe, they feel lonely at work- that’s even if they work in the actual office with other people around them daily.

This trend isn’t just about professionals and employees. It reflects an issue in society.

I was recently interviewed by Expertflyer with respect to a trend they are seeing. According to their research, aisle seating was preferred by 57% of flyers in 2013 vs. 48% in 2019, which indicates that preference for the window seat has overtaken the aisle.

I gave them my expert opinion that this trend in airline seating preferences naturally makes sense given more and more people feel isolated and want to “hide” in the window seat, as a natural response to their lives.

This response doesn’t bode well for humans and society. If everyone is hiding and thus, feeling more and more isolated, then we are essentially taking away the future of human interaction and limiting emotions and feeling and ultimately, community. If you know me, I’m not one for drama, but doesn’t this just make sense? I don’t even need you to be a researcher to see the problem.
 

Solution: Get Lost!

So, what’s the solution? While being isolated is akin to the idea of being lost, it’s not exactly being lost. What’s the difference?

Being lost, as my colleague and I discussed, by definition means that you have an endpoint, destination, goal to which you are directing your attention and aim. You just aren’t hitting that endpoint, destination or goal yet, which is why you are lost.

Every one of us is lost as we search for meaning in our lives- personally and professionally. I know I’m lost. I’m just excited to be lost. I’m excited with anticipation that I am on the right path and will find my next steps. I’m excited to uncover new experiences.

If you look at it this way, being lost is a good thing because you have focus and intention and drive. You are in control of your life.

Contrast this notion with being isolated where you have sequestered yourself from the world. Or contrast being lost with just meandering or wandering around. In either case, you have no focus or ambition or drive or destination. You are not in control. You are likely scattered. Being scattered in life does not allow us to set goals, resonate with others around us or fulfill or purpose in the world.
 
What does this mean for you? Stop and Consider:

1. How often do you think of being “lost” as a bad thing? Why?
2. How can you reframe the idea of being “lost” to benefit you so you grow and evolve?
3. If you find you are meandering and/or isolated, perhaps consider how much technology plays a part. What can you do to change this for yourself if you want to be happier in life?

 

Listen to the podcast about it here:

As featured at thriveglobal.com: https://thriveglobal.com/stories/minimizing-the-ego-when-we-choose-love
 

How often have people upset you and made you feel disrespected? I know when that happens to me, it is such a bruise to my ego. I either want to scream, cry or hide and never talk to them again- while I stew inside in silence. I’m five years old all over again!

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to check my ego at the door, heal and be better in 2020. I got the opportunity to choose love, instead.

I had a situation when someone extended a social invitation to me tentatively, then followed through in a way that was very last minute. Their actions left me feeling unwanted, like they had an obligation to socialize with me.

In the past, I would have fumed about the situation. Then I would have sent a short, cryptic response. Then I would have never talked to that person again, all the while hating them from afar and wondering “how dare they treat me that way”!?

This time, I told my husband that I was going to be different so I can have peace and in this way, heal my life where I need to do so. In 2020, my goal is to speak up, yet speak up and say my peace with kindness and love. In this way, I check my ego and choose love- towards myself and the other party.

In this case, I told the person that I appreciated their invitation. I told them that I was hurt by their actions, but understood it was an uncomfortable situation for them to manage, too. I wished them well and told them they were always welcome in my life- thus, leaving the ball in their court.

The person ended up calling and apologizing. More importantly, they shared their predicaments and facts. I shared my facts and feelings.

This open and honest communication worked. Every hurt feeling is buttressed by a miscommunication that we can ignore or not. The more we ignore it, the worse the situation gets. Then we miscommunicate more and so on. All of this miscommunication bruises our ego even more, leaving us hurt and angry. This anger and hurt leads to physical stress on our bodies leading to all sorts of proven ills, like acid reflux, ulcers, etc. This is not the right way to love ourselves, nor is it the way to heal ourselves.

In my case this time, I truly felt nothing but love and understanding in my heart. I was still hurt, but I didn’t harbor any ill will. I figured both of us had our own versions of the story and neither were wrong.
 

What does this mean for you? Stop and consider:

• When do you choose your ego over loving yourself and honoring your health and self-healing?

• Next time someone hurts or angers you, what’s one small action you could take based on a new mentality of seeing that person and situation from more acceptance than ego? How can you be brave and communicate best with that person?

 

Looking to express your truth in order to create wealth and value for yourself? Check out my Emotional Resonance Factor© Mini Course by clicking the link below.

 

I’ve discovered there is only one-way leadership really works. If I inspire others to lead their best lives, then my purpose is done.

So then the question becomes how do I inspire others. My answer involves a 2-step process:
 

Step One: Have Empathy

No one believes we care about them if we don’t have empathy. No one will be inspired by us and see us as a leader if we don’t have empathy. As Chris Voss calls it, “tactical empathy” is seeing the other person’s side even if you don’t agree with them. Tactical empathy allows you to be able to predict better the situation and to see another person’s plight and situation. Empathy opens your heart and your mind. Empathy allows for healing.
 

Step Two: Ask the Magical Question

Next, I want you to ask the other party the magical question, as I call it. Since we are starting a new year, it’s a perfect time for this question. In order to connect with someone, so they can know you are empathetic, asking questions and then listening deeply to the answers is key.

Ask: “If you had your choice, how would 2020 be different for you?” This question generates good feelings in your audience and allows for a deeper connection. It shows you care. It allows you to take their answer, figure out how you can support them and inspire them into action for themselves.

This two-part inquiry works amazingly in employee-supervisor relationships. It also works great in personal relationships.

Give it a go and see how you can inspire those around you to greatness in 2020.

I’ve had lots of “good” experiences in my life. Unfortunately, I’ve had “bad” experiences, too.

As I look back, one of the worst experiences was when my father died years ago. It was painful and confusing. Another “bad” experience centered around the end of a friendship/relationship. A third, “bad” experience most recently happened around me leaving an organization that I had been a part of for over eight years.

What all these “bad” experiences have in common is that they signaled an “end” of something in my life: the end of my father being physically present, a relationship, a community involvement.

So why is the “end” of anything so painful and “bad” for me? When I stop to think about it, this makes no real sense to me. As an experience, does the end of anything really have to be bad?

Most recently, I read the following quote regarding marketing campaigns and the customer experience:

It’s not the event itself that prevents you from coming back the following year. It’s the experience you remember having.

The key word for me here is “remember”. What I take this to mean is that my memory of the event, not the actual event, marked my experience. I’m often reminded of a great phrase, “perception is reality” from “A Course in Miracles”. What I perceive is my reality of the event, NOT the actual event.

Therefore, it seems that an experience truly is not about the event itself (a death, a transition, a promotion, a birth, etc) but about the mindset I have around that event and how I choose to interpret the event experience.

I was recently interviewed on a podcast and asked about my program, Emotional Resonance Factor ©. In the program, I teach that in order to resonate with your audience, you must emotionally come across happier than your audience–at some level. The question is always the same: how can you ask me to be happy if my current experience is one of difficulty/lack of happiness?

The answer goes back to our experiences of an event and our mindset/interpretation of that event. Just because an event in our life or our day has left us less than happy, does not mean the event has to dictate our mindset and our ability to emotionally resonate with our audience.

How is that possible, you ask?

Well, for most of us when we have a bad experience all we can focus on is that one bad experience. Who can blame us? After all, the negative experience is so real for us and can linger for so long afterwards. However, this way of being, leaves me very powerless, like everyone else is in control of my life except for me. Whenever I linger too long on a bad experience, I feel lost in it.

But, what if there was another way to go about your day?

What if I told you that you could choose to focus on something different, something that may have not even manifested yet in your life but was more positive than this “bad” event?

What if, as the quote above says, we chose to focus on a memory of that experience that was more positive than negative? If the entire experience was awesome, then that’s easy to recall a positive memory. If the experience was negative, then you’ll just have to look for a memory that is more positive than not.

Simple, right? Well, as the great Werner Erhard states, some things are simple, but not easy.

So what does all this mean for you and your brand? Stop and consider:

● How often does your bad experiences dictate your mindset and reactions?

● How often do you miss out on events and people because you can’t let go of the bad experience and memory?

What would it look like if you:

● Stayed self-aware long enough to realize you are having a bad memory of an experience?

● Choose to focus on something more positive/fun/happy in the present moment? Maybe it is not even related to the bad memory/experience in question. Maybe it is a thought of your kids laughing and playing or of a great meal you just enjoyed. Anything will do as long as it is positive in nature- even if it is made up using your imagination.

● Reduced your stress enough to be able to get yourself to see this possible positive memory.

Want more? Express your truth in order to create wealth and value for yourself with my Emotional Resonance Factor© Mini Course. With this course, I support you to connect to, step into, and express your truth in order to create wealth and value for yourself.